Aristoxenus

2010-11-21T05:05:00.001+08:00

i'm getting sick of all the stupid random computer generated comments on my tagboard that i have to keep deleting.

not sure if anybody reads this anymore but if you want you can find me at jwonggg.tumblr.com

White Cloud

2010-08-11T00:40:00.002+08:00

Lonely white cloud in a sky of blue
Where will you be when the light comes through?
Up in the sky or down in the drain?
Twisting and turning or maybe just rain.

Give me a signal or maybe a sign
Something to tell me that you will be fine.

away

2010-08-04T01:00:00.000+08:00

Give me your hand

I'll take you away

We'll roll in the sand

and lay in the hay

Forget all the pain

escape all the grey

We'll dance in the rain

and swim in the bay

Ignore all the fear

just play it by ear

Live life to the fullest

And you'll be the greatest

live a little

2010-08-03T02:04:00.002+08:00

there's nothing like the feel of fibre glass and graphite against the glassy water.

the spray of the sea, the salt in your mouth.

the sun in the sky, the heat on your back.

live a little.

roll another

2010-07-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

If flowers didn't wilt

and all gold was silt

I'd be some place other

away from this bother

I'd live on a mountain

or down by the sea

and sing to the night

or talk to the breeze

It'd be oh so lovely

If only it'd be

that flowers didn't wilt

and all gold was silt

valentines day

2010-02-14T00:28:00.003+08:00

rulers have risen where kings have once fallen,

cities have glistened where wars once made orphans.

the glory of spring and the warm summer glow,

the light autumn breeze and the blistering snow,

all follow a pattern, they dance with a rhyme,

to help us remember the passing of time.

no matter how we try, nor how long we wait,

no science can predict, nor math formulate.

though millions have tried, they never quite capture,

this bubbly feeling, incredible rapture,

when i see your eyes, how they smiled and sighed,

when you hold me close, when you're by my side.

so look at the date, it's fourteen-oh-two

i'd just like to say that yes, i love you.

happy valentines day everyone (:

untitled

2010-02-08T02:08:00.002+08:00

the darkness never descends,

the light simply fades away.

the truth comes out,

and there isn't much to say.

some kinds of trust can't be built,

it just needs to be decided.

but at the end of the day,

the darkness never descends,

the light simply fades away.

good morning

2009-07-30T23:13:00.002+08:00

Rays of sunlight crept through the tall curtains,

casting a warm brown light into the room.

The light crawled along the mahogany floor,

transforming the room into a sepia-toned picture of peace.

Specks of dust floated about lazily,

basking in the glorious warmth of the light.

The ruffle of the blanket momentarily disturbed the quaint silence

as he turned to escape the sun in his eyes.

It was a fiery red beneath the eyelids,

signaling the dawn of a new day.

life happens

2009-07-10T02:46:00.003+08:00

the forest of efil sat in a quivering silence,

leaves lay strewn on the floor, pondering the days when they were green and full of life.

an army of ants marched on by the little trickling stream, frighteningly close to the water's edge but never falling in.

all of a sudden the forest of efil was ablaze

the fire crackled through the air,

but the trees didn't burn.

the ground was scorched,

but it didn't blacken.

a terrifying wind screamed through the air,

but the leaves didn't rustle.

and then all was silent again.

nobody quite understood what had just happened,

but the forest of efil still remained.

tick tock

2009-04-27T23:35:00.002+08:00

He slumped in against the cold leather interior, mumbled his destination and returned to his thoughts.

Trusting that the driver knew the way, he allowed the sights and sounds to meld into the blackness of his skull and all at once, it was dark and silent.

Consciousness slipped through his coarse fingers as his hands slumped to the side in utter exhaustion.

He slept for an eternity, but as vision returned for a fleeting second he saw that he remained at the same traffic light.

The drone of the engine, the drearily monotonous sound of engineered steel bore holes through his skull, once again allowing consciousness to seep away.

Sleep stroked it's silky fingers through his shadowy hair, gently raking it's nails over his cold scalp.

He dreamt dreams he would never recall, thought thoughts which he could never retell.

Yet when he awoke with a jerk to the blare of a horn, though mountains he'd scoured and dragons he'd slain, it was only mere meters he'd travelled that day.

the person in the glass

2009-04-02T22:17:00.004+08:00

He trudged up the eternity of steps and let his bag slip from his shoulder as he passed the doorway.

The coldness of the wood felt good beneath his aching feet as he stood a moment in the darkness.

Flicking on the lights, he walked in step with his thudding heartbeat toward the washroom,

carefully picking his way over the messy floor.

The room listened as his heartbeat slowed to a steady beat,

the slow thudding echoed off the walls like the distant beating of war drums.

The lights burned to life, illuminating the dark corners in the stuffy bathroom.

He hung his head over the porcelain white basin and splashed cool water onto his tired face,

closing his eyes as he felt the droplets roll off his skin.

As the last drop slipped off his cheek he looked up into the mirror.

Melancholy only stops short in the face of surprise.

He stared long and hard into the eyes which looked back at him.

It wasn't him.

Well it was, but it wasn't.

It was the perfect reflection like the laws of physics imply,

and yet, he did not recognize the eyes which bore right back into his soul.

Mad Mraz

2009-03-06T01:04:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since I've heard music that penetrates straight to your soul.

Standing twenty feet away, eyes closed and swaying to the beat.

Feeling every vibration with every fiber.

Truly amazing stuff.

continues.

2009-01-21T06:12:00.003+08:00

I find that life has gotten to a point where I’ve come to realise that I know nothing.

All the years and years of growing and learning and imagining the wisdom level increasing has amounted to a huge sense of loss. I find that the more you learn, the more you realise you do not know. Now that school life is over and life has hit what i would call a flash of abeyance in which my worldy-life-o-meter hits a standstill while i wait for the next rush of life to smash me in my noggin, these past two months have become mediums for many many hours of thinking and retrospect. About the day, past week, months, years. And perhaps the greatest irony that life offers each and every one of us is that instead of reaching that much closer to which we sorely desire, as the time goes by, the question which plagued me at the beginning, appears farther out of reach; who am I ?

Occasionally while having chats of some depth with friends late into the night, or perhaps while I am writing, I say or write something which catches me off guard. As if i were reading or hearing another person speak. It’s a funny thing to try to explain.. it’s like learning from myself, yet i have no idea where these very very brief flashes of wisdom or other arrive from. Which leads me to question, just how well do I know myself? It feels like I have a wealth of knowledge stored up somewhere in the darkest recesses of my mind which I simply am unable to tap.

Girls. I once believed I had nearly figured them out. But now I realise that it is impossible to truly understand anybody gender regardless if we do not first truly understand ourselves. In one of my moments, I came out with a phrase which went something along the lines of “We can never truly love anyone entirely until we truly understand our own entirety.” But now perhaps I realise that we might never begin to truly understand anybody until we understand ourselves simply because every point, must have a reference point. If we, the reference point, do not know wherein which we lie, we will never discover the subsequent or any other point.

I digress.

I lie here in bed feeling utterly confused, and yet I think this state of confusion provides much more clarity than many people achieve. Simply because most people do not realise the state of their confusion. I find that it has to be stumbled upon rather than found. It is only stumbled upon perhaps after an ever so intricately weaved series of events perhaps over a week, month, years even that finally makes you wake up in the middle of the night and say to yourself “who the fuck am i?”

and yet perhaps the most troubling thing ever is the fear that i might never truly discover who i am. the fear that i might wake up tomorrow and forget this state of confusion or worse yet, brush it off as tired ramblings, and entirely deviate from disentangling what could be life’s greatest mysteries. Pardon the thick cliche of the statements but perhaps the very foundations of social life and mankind as we know it may tremble when people begin to ponder if OURSELVES may be life’s greatest mysteries, and not LOVE.

It’s all about context and reference points. Without the context, without a reference point. How do we know anything. What do we know? If we change the context of our lives or shift a reference point, everything as we know it will crumble to nothing. Forget money and power and cars and private jets. WE will crumble to nothing.

This could very well be the ramblings of a very lonely 18 year old hoping that somebody would read this and notice him, or maybe I could be on to something.

Perhaps it is only in these moments of abeyance where the hustle and bustle and business of life glitters in the edges of our memories that we begin to question our very existence. Who decided that life should be in which we wake up, work, earn money, make valiant attempt after attempt at relationships, sleep and repeat. And even those of us who try to cut our own path, or CHOOSE TO BE DIFFERENT, differ in very similar fashion. It is perhaps as if we are truly confined in a box and even when we try to be different, we create new boxes for ourselves..

Who decides who’s “intelligent” and who’s “stupid” There are 7 forms of known intelligence (and that’s according to THEM) but education systems only base results on ONE. Obviously if i was the guy who wrote the IQ test i’d fit it nicely so I felt good about myself. Why do we take them so seriously anyway? Maybe the answer is simple and elementary, the answer is perhaps seen in kindergarten schoolyards across the world daily: nobody wants to be picked last in gym class. nobody REALLY wants to be the weird kid, the different kid, the OTHER type…

Which again forces the question; who first decided the stereotype?

Who am I? I would not nearly dare to pose the question, who are you?

Start of a New Chapter

2009-01-01T02:32:00.002+08:00

The carefully written words reached the end of the papyrus paper and the author let out a soft sigh.
He had written many words, he had written tears, laughter, hurt, scars, growth, treacherous pitfalls and love.
It had been a good chapter, as a chapter should be.
A long, hard, painful and learning chapter.

He gathered them tenderly in his smooth hands and propped them up onto the mahogany table to align them.
It was a large stack of paper, each flimsy sheet carefully bound within the leather casing, adding to the historic 17 earlier chapters.
Then he reached for the new pieces of paper, untainted and waiting for the ink.
Perhaps these would hold a better story.

Like A Guitar Solo

2008-11-19T18:40:00.002+08:00

Life is like a guitar solo,
Encompassing all of your deepest emotions.
Its beauty is from the love and the passion.

Sometimes it's fast,
fingers slice through the air in practiced precision,
hammering hard and pulling off gently.

And then it slows down.. to nearly a stop,
notes in harmony walking hand in hand along the woody floor,
they mould and meld as they slide and they sliver,
two at a time save three and four or seven and eight.

Sharp piercing screams and low soothing whispers,
emotions fly high and tears start to trickle.
It only takes practice to play like a maestro.

the passing of time

2008-11-14T00:46:00.002+08:00

Twelve drops slipped through fingers
Leaving memories in their wake
Each drop never lingers
Not long enough to blow the cake
Life and Love will always flow
No nothing could ever conquer
We wish and whine but always grow
No matter what the cancer

I've soared like angels in a spiral
Left the rails and swallowed gravel
To you who scorn and swear or struggle
If but one i've learnt through all this strife
Fill life with love and love with life

Another Year

2008-10-17T01:37:00.002+08:00

Another twelve have come to past
Some too slow and others too fast
Strings once new now twang and rust
Music that soothed now curse and cuss
Pain from love has settled in
Love from pain still wears a grin
Colours blur as I sit and write
Words once lies now come to light

A tree that once stood tall and strong
Roots now plagued with hurt and wrong
Truths scar deeply but still they fight
On to save the tree of right

Trading love for tea and sympathy

2008-09-06T05:20:00.002+08:00

Before me lie pieces once clayed
shattered from jars carefully constructed
Before me lie cloth now frayed
gashed from tapestries beautifully crafted

Jars of clay moulded
by hand to one day sit upon the altar
Uncountable threads folded
with patience and never a thought of falter

Bits of clay and the dust of faded thread
does no justice to the glory it once beheld

A little boy once thought he owned castles forged from fire and steel
One day the ocean proved they were only grains of sand

trading love

2008-09-02T02:38:00.002+08:00

you smiled in tired satisfaction as i lay there taking in the world for the first time,
laughed gently as i padded around the floor with rice grains stuck to my face.
you closed the blinds on the evening sun as we curled into bed for the night,
and read us stories when sleep just wouldn't come.
you were always worried about us, always caring, always loving.

then one day you destroyed everything i thought was true.
i tried to deny it, but the facts fit like a glove.
my only question is, was his worth your children's love?

the lost pages

2008-07-27T03:40:00.002+08:00

a forgotten chapter
slipped off the face of the world
kept under lock and key
left for none and all to see

too precious to be fed to fire
but too scarred to be brought to light
it lies in wait and debris
only one name to solve the mystery

cursed by whispers to deafness
thoughts too deep to bury
years go by and still they lie in decayed longevity
never to escape this tranquility

find yourself

2008-07-21T03:52:00.000+08:00

He hurriedly filed his dreams away as his phone screamed and wiggled at him for the fifth time to wake up.
Eventually heaving his eyes open only to find the night still plastered thickly over.

The piercing light quickly dissolved the darkness and he stumbled around while his eyes gradually adjusted to the light.

The sun was taking it's time rounding the bend today.

mr clock lazily glowed back at his glower. 5.45 am.

He had had 3 whole hours of sleep. a record.

He picked his way to the toilet, stepping and crushing notes along the way.

Around the world, 18 year old corpses everywhere repeated the same routine in the dead of the night.
Their gaunt, sunken faces barely held onto youth and bloodshot eyes screamed out for release.
Flaccid, decaying souls in supple bodies slumped over piles of undone work, the floor littered with unread notes
and their minds bled, carved from the gashes of stress and disappointment.

What demons could have so thoroughly stripped the joy from their faces
and bled their youth out of them ?

failed.

2008-07-14T16:40:00.000+08:00

i am a fool.
but i'm not any ordinary fool.
i am a fool of the highest order,
a fool of the highest degree.

some men are fools because they simply know no better
these men are to be pitied not scorned

others are fools because they forget that they know better
these men are to be slapped across the face till they remember

even others are fools because life dealt them a bad hand once
and choose to live in self pity for the rest of their sad existences
these men should be thrown onto a cruel island for a year

but fools of the highest degree..
the idiotus maximus..

these men know better, oh, much better
yet they have cut down other fools for not knowing better.
these men have lashed out at others for misdeeds which they adorn themselves with,
they have been given everything, and have returned nothing.
these men live in palaces of diamond crusted ego,
they have seen fire turn to gold, but have not believed.

what do they deserve ?
they do not deserve to love or to be loved,
and yet loves flows and froths in such an abundance
in the hope that it would drown out their foolishness.

familiaritas : confidential friendship, intimacy.

2008-06-17T16:56:00.000+08:00

the moon snuggled up against the soft clouds,
letting out a warm glow through her cotton covering.
it was an image of warmth, comfort and love as i sat outside on the cold concrete.
little lonely drops fell softly against my bare skin, sending small chills through my body.

a flash of colour, glided through the cold night air.
it was a small bird, eagerly returning to its nest.
the dark silhouette of sleeping leaves shook gently against the night sky as the small bird landed on its welcoming arms.
the soft sound of happy baby birds drifted gently through the still air
as they cuddled contentedly together for warmth.

in the lamp-lit background was shadows of empty car lots.
lonely table lamps sat by the front door
parents out late at work,
drinking maybe.
completely unaware that their children tossed restlessly in their thin blankets,
secretly waiting for their open-ended return.

if families can stay together through thick and thin in the animal kingdom,
why can't we.

blissful

2008-05-15T17:17:00.000+08:00

A dusty, decrepit road stood alone, meandering through the forest of efil.
Leaves once proudly dark and gloriously green, now lay curled inward like the gnarled fingers of an old woodsman.
Life as he knew it was the forest of efil, the perilous forest of efil.
The moonlight sprinkled down, pausing only to brush the rough edges of sleeping leaves.
A wolf called her cubs softly in the distance and dead dry leaves rustled softly in the passing breeze.

The gentle breeze slowly began to dance, and twirled the dead dry leaves around her as she spun.
Faster, faster, faster, into an abyss of brown and green while the trees swayed their approval.

The wind held it's breath for a fraction of a second,
Then the rains fell.
and fell like never before.
Heavy droplets of bliss fell in torrents, crashing violently into the dust covered, decrepit road.
Gentle droplets of love sprinkled down in droves, floating gently down and caressed the dust covered, decrepit road.

It rained, and it washed, and rained, and cleansed, and rained, and healed, and rained, and it brought life to that dusty, decrepit road.
And the forest of efil was never the same again.

Jon's Dictionary

2008-05-01T17:52:00.000+08:00

1. Meh
m·eh Audio Help [m-ehh-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–sound
1. a sound made in extreme annoyance
2. an expression of annoyance or disappointment

Example:
Teacher X: why is your assignment two days late?
Student A: because my dog ate my assignment
Teacher X: meh. you must finish it before going home.
Student A: meh !

[Origin: unknown]

2. Neh
n·eh Audio Help [n-eeeh-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–sound
1. a sound made in slight annoyance
2. an expression of discomfort

Example:
Boy A: let's eat lunch
Boy B: the food looks like crap
Boy A + B: neh.

[Origin: 2007-unknown]

3. Merhhhdorrnerrrhhhz
merhhh·dorr·nerrr·hhhz Audio Help [as it looks] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
-name
1. Macdonalds

Example:
Boy A: (in chinese) wo men qu mai mai dan lao !
Boy B: what's mai dan lao ?
Boy A: zomg ! Macdonalds !!
Boy B: HUH ? i thought macdonalds in chinese is Merhhhdorrnerrrhhhz !

[Origin: Mark Bala's awesome chinese]

ramblings XI

2008-04-30T14:44:00.000+08:00

Will you EVER be satisfied?
I'm beginning to believe that it is humanly impossible.

There is really nobody who can totally tick me off as much as you do.
You are truly talented.
There is no one else who can bring me to the threshold of my tolerance,
and then dares to completely push me over the edge.

You have no idea how hard i've tried to make you happy.
I know you've invested so much time and money in me,
but i'm not instant noodles.
You can't possibly expect instant results.

What hurts the most is when you keep harping on and on about small mistakes i've made,
some dating back to the stone ages.
And completely negating any positive things i might have attained.

You keep coming to my room to try and make peace,
but you just don't know how to stop talking,
and so each time you come up,
it just gets worse.

Seriously, just please shut up and get out of my room.

a new beginning.

2008-04-23T15:32:00.000+08:00

Sunlight poured in through his tall Victorian windows
hindered only momentarily by his lazily hanging drapes as they danced through the cold, clean air to caress his sleeping face.

He climbed the golden stairs, and left behind the dark glittering darkness of his dreams.
Turning over in his bed, he felt the pleasant sensation of the cold pillow against his warm cheek.

This day would not be the same as the others.

He had found a new joy, derived from more than anything money could ever buy.
A decisive day by the sea, had proven more vital than he would have ever thought possible.

take a look.

2008-03-22T16:44:00.000+08:00

I look around me, what do I see ?
Look around you, do you see what I see ?

I see how we have created and shaped this world to our liking.
We have flattened mountains and built ourselves towering houses.
We have created our own way of life,
our own civilised, cultured, life.
We have learnt to soar above the eagles in the sky,
and scoured the depths of the ocean.
We have fished the seas dry out of greed not necessity.
We have laid waste to the land and created our kingdom.
We have industrialised, and left millions to starve.
We have created our own idols;
money, health, wealth, science, fame, popularity,
intelligence, academic achievement, even religion,
and sought after these more fervently than God.

We have put Him in a box, and conveniently tucked it out of sight.
We have broken many hearts, and yet broken one heart again and again.

Who has done these things you ask;
It is I, and it is You.
We have broken His heart via dolorosa.

stars will fade

2008-03-14T17:30:00.000+08:00

Did you see the stars tonight?
They shone, and made the cold and dark depart.
As i sat outside in the waning light
The cold chilled my thoughts of fire
and warmed my heart of ice.
My senses felt sharp as a trampled rose thorn
I felt the icy wind slice through,
but I felt no chill on my skin.
I heard the train as it crunched down on its tracks
While it was yet a hundred miles far
I smelt the soft dew
as it formed on blades of new grass
and heard the ruffle of feathers
As baby birds stirred in their dreams.

Then the earth had sung it's lullaby and fell silent
As it ushered in your birthday
And you were in my dreams while i was yet awake
Did you see the stars tonight?
They shone, and made the cold and dark depart.

<3

2008-03-10T13:52:00.000+08:00

i got a new dog !
and she is the cutest thing everr (: (: (:

life is sweet.

✓

2008-03-07T19:33:00.000+08:00

ahh.. les vacances de marche..

more time to sleep. ✘
more time to cycle. ✘
more time to hang out with friends. ✘
more time to shop. ✘
more time to exercise. ✘
more time to read. ✘
more time to play guitar. ✘
more time to wakeboard. ✘

more time to study. ✓
more time to write extended essay. ✓
more time to do math portfolio. ✓
more time to write economics commentaries. ✓
more time to file papers. ✓
more time to write history internal assessment. ✓

the life of an ib student. love it. ✓

until philosophers are kings

2008-03-01T18:45:00.000+08:00

Until philosophers are kings,
or the kings and princes of this world have the spirit and power of philosophy,
and political greatness and wisdom meet in one,
and those commoner natures who pursue either to the exclusion of the other are compelled to stand aside,

cities will never have rest from their evils, no, nor the human race,
as i believe-and then only will this our State have a possibility of life and behold the light of day.

no idea.

2008-02-25T17:05:00.000+08:00

well that was disappointing.
but oh wells.

on a separate note,

i don't like britney spears.
but it's ok.

oh-so-tired.

2008-02-21T17:25:00.000+08:00

i'm really tired tonight.
went for a hill session with passi:one this evening,
and completely wasn't feeling it..
had trouble breathing, and my legs just weren't moving like they should be..

really worried about this sunday now.

i have so much work to do,
i don't know where to start !!
[ i know i'm whining ): ]

tonight is one of those nights
where i just don't know how long more
i can keep my nose above water..

on a lighter note,
there have been things that have added splashes of colour
to my otherwise prosaic existence.

playing in the water sprinklers today was hilarious..
like a couple of primary school kids all over again.
haha.

joel leaves today ):
it's been great working with you for the past two years,
i've learnt tons from you
and you will be greatly missed by all of us.
i hope somebody warned perth about what's about to hit them.
haha.

goodnight people..
time for essays.

λ=V/f

2008-02-19T01:29:00.000+08:00

λ=V/f

wavelength= velocity divided by frequency

how fast you're going, divided by how often you return to the axis...

all i'm asking for is a stationary wave on the axis for a little while.

gone.

2008-02-18T14:58:00.000+08:00

i've arrived at the week of my race.
the outlook is not good.

IB is churning at full speed,
and deadlines are full of malice and wielding threats of 1 grades.

my sleep deficit is beyond funny,
and my dreams at night aren't helping me out either.

indolence consumes me whole,
typing this is the most i can do right now.

BUT I WANT TO WIN THIS RACE.

help.

Cogito, ergo sum

2008-02-15T18:36:00.000+08:00

i wrote this one a long time ago.. nearly 11 months ago. not sure why i never posted it. it's rather amusing.

"Cogito, ergo sum" (Latin: "I think, therefore I am") or Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum (Latin: "I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am") is a philosophical statement used by René Descartes.

on how many planes do we exist ?

“ But I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies. Does it now follow that I too do not exist? No: if I convinced myself of something [or thought anything at all] then I certainly existed. But there is a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who is deliberately and constantly deceiving me. In that case I too undoubtedly exist, if he is deceiving me; and let him deceive me as much as he can, he will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I think that I am something. So, after considering everything very thoroughly, I must finally conclude that the proposition, I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind. (AT VII 25; CSM II 16–17) ”

ok so maybe most of you probably didnt read that whole chunk up there, you should, it's actually very interesting.
i think ive been told half a million times by quite a number of people that i think too much. is that even possible ? to think TOO MUCH. haha i guess many of you would say that this blog entry is a result from thinking too much.

i maintain my position that it's not possible to ever think too much.

4/7/07

valentines day '08

2008-02-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

happy valentines day everyone.

to those who love and are loved,
always treasure each other.
talk a lot, laugh a lot, smile a lot,
walk a lot, share a lot, hug a lot
and always consider each other before yourself.

to the rest of us.
don't let the celebrations get you down !
be proud of your single hood.
when the time is right, the time will be right (:
don't need to rush anything.

In memory of St. Valentine.

helpless.

2008-02-09T19:53:00.000+08:00

he sat in the dark corner of his room,
huddled with his knees against his chest.
it was warm, but he felt so cold tonight.
so cold..
pain crawled through his soul,
carving, ripping, tearing, screaming as it dragged through his mind,
cleaving it in two.

he didn't know who he was anymore,
didn't know how he would face another day of colourless dreams.
another day of emptiness and soulful decrepitude.

what could i do to help someone so completely broken and so devastatingly hurt ?
helplessness washed through me as i uttered seemingly unheard words into the heart of the night.

please save my friend.

love conquers all, but what happens when love is ruthlessly wrenched away ?

goodnight.

2008-02-04T18:00:00.000+08:00

Sleep beckoned gently from the whispers of his eyes
as he shuffled slowly through the terrible wars and crimes.
Images of fallen kings and angry peasants slipped to mystery and spies,
thoughts and dreams with court jesters talking in rhymes.
Slumped on his bed, he dreamt on of sweets and cake.
Laptop still purring, tomorrow, he'd awake with a neck ache.

Goodnight world.

life and death.

2008-02-01T00:20:00.000+08:00

a long time ago, i used to write a lot about life's fragility...

tonight, on my way to training, at 827pm, at the junction of clementi road and kent ridge crescent, i very nearly became one with the paint on the side of a black honda civic.

it is completely by God's grace that i'm not dead/very badly injured. i was coasting at about 37kmh, in my own little world as usual, when the car from the opposite road cut right in front of me to turn into kent ridge crescent. i honestly don't remember braking at all. i didn't even see the car until my front tire was about half a meter from the passenger door. i miraculously braked, before even seeing the car..

it's good to be alive.

i spent the rest of the night thinking about what would have happened if God hadn't spared me tonight..

i'd never have had another chance to tell my family how much i loved them,
never have had another chance to say sorry to everyone i've hurt,
never have had another chance to tell my friends how much i loved them and meant to me,
never have had another chance to touch someone else's life..
never have had another chance to do....anything.

so tonight, i just want to thank all my friends for everything, i love you guyszxz (:
sorry if i've ever hurt any of you.

life's really too fragile to leave things unsaid,
too short to hold grudges
and too unpredictable to stop loving.

poésie et idylle.

2008-01-30T17:15:00.000+08:00

Glimmers of light silently sung to the west,
as lovers watched on in silent embrace.
A velvet of darkness fell with the crest,
while mothers began to give up the chase.
The night was young and theirs for the taking,
free from bedtimes they wandered till dawn.
Their only hope was of parents not waking,
to find their teenagers missing and gone.

Out on a ledge he heaved the night air,
a tune of sadness, a tune void of hope,
This wasn't the life that he'd wanted to bear.
On his shelves sat rows of cologne,
much like himself, untouched and alone.

2008-01-29T23:49:00.001+08:00

jon needs a break.

and not a break when he's supposed to be studying.

emotional paralysis

2008-01-19T16:40:00.000+08:00

Have you ever seen those elephant shows in Thailand ?

the elephants are such magnificent, intelligent creatures.
capable of painting self-portraits, playing football, arranging logs etc.

And yet, have you seen how the trainers ensure that the elephants don't escape ?

they're tied by a little rope around their ankle to a little wooden stump.

(pause)

those huge, powerful beasts allow themselves to be kept in captivity by such exiguous means ?
i found it hard to believe.

but the reason is what struck a chord in me.
do you know why ?

i was informed.. that when elephants are first born,
they will be tied by the rope to the stump,
and for a while they will struggle against it,
they scream, or whatever noise baby elephants make, kick, tug, pull,
bite at the rope and basically fight for their lives against that little evil rope and stump.

and then gradually, when they finally realise that they can't escape that
evil rope and stump, they completely give up.
they resign themselves to the fact that the evil rope and stump are invincible.

(6 or 7 years later)

Baby elephant isn't so baby elephant-ish anymore..
But evil rope and stump are still in place.

and because as a baby, this elephant has resigned itself to it's fate,
to forever be held captive by this invincible rope and stump,
it has eternally given up any hope of escape.

All it takes would be for the elephant to walk normally while tied,
and the evil rope and stump would probably snap and splinter
like a dead bough before lightning.

the elephant has full ability to walk right away from it's captivity..
And yet it can't.

Such, is the power of emotional paralysis.

so many of us are living in some sort of emotional paralysis.

being in places you don't want to be ?
doing things you don't want to do ?
living a life that you don't want to live ?

sounds pretty familiar doesn't it ?

but the crux of the matter, is that you have full capability to escape and rid yourself of whatever it may be that is holding you captive.

all you need to do, is get up, and walk in the right direction.

the prayer.

2008-01-17T15:21:00.000+08:00

God of Heaven, Lord of all,
Almighty King and Lover 'o my soul.
Reach out thine palms, and cushion my fall.
Breathe long and strong, and warm me like coal.

A year of strength is all i pray.

Down wrong paths though i have stumbled,
in Your love is where i'll rest.
Behind i leave the smoked and wrinkled,
just for You i give my best.

Friends or foe, i do not know,
but to Your grace, i will commit.
When the wine doth brew and flow,
because of love, i will omit.

Mould my brain and make it swell,
like Einstein, only twice as fine.
Take my hands and teach them well,
to master sine in half the time.

A year of strength is all i pray,
then bring the long awaited sunset,
on this international baccalaureate.

tonight, you.

2008-01-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

tonight, i'm wondering what you're doing.
wondering how you're doing.
i'm wondering if you're awake,
or if you're sleeping peacefully.
whether you're having a dream,
or tossing and turning with nightmares.

i'm wondering if you're thinking about me too.
am i just a passing thought ?
am i a good thought, or one that is quickly brushed aside ?

tonight,
i couldn't hold my front anymore.
i couldn't pretend like you don't matter to me anymore.
i couldn't pretend that those simple words you said,
didn't cut me to my bone any longer.

sigh.
i can't believe how hopelessly hopeless i am at this.

at journey's end.

2008-01-08T17:44:00.000+08:00

Just the other day i returned to our favourite place.
The place in itself, symbolic of how things were meant to be.

The climb heavenward was long and arduous,
where our footing was never sure, and the grass was usually wet and slippery.

but no matter what, we'd eventually make it to the top.
turn around, flop on the grass, and enjoy the fruits of our perseverance.

Walking alone, i fell along the way.
slipped, lost my footing, grazed my knee and cut my hand on a stone.

I sat on the grass, halfway to my destination,
bruised and bleeding a little. i didn't feel much pain.

But it hurt so more than i'd have ever imagined possible.

happy new year.

2008-01-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

To You whom life has crossed,
and have been left scarred, cold and afraid
To you whom the twelve lakes, have only recently passed,
were as bitter as christmas pudding long decayed;

Still, be hindered not by the past!
Instead join in as the rest of us hope and pray,
that the sins of yesteryear no longer cozen,
and as we look forward to yet another birthday,
we seek to create a happier dozen.

simply because year's end is neither a beginning nor an end,
but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

salvator; sauvëour

2007-12-21T11:31:00.000+08:00

echoes of silence echoed silently
hungry yet corpulent,
they scratched and stared,
as giants of their time fell righteously.
dead even before their hearts were on par,
and yet alive more than they far.

where their bodies rested,
sprung up flowers and life from dead cold soil.
such was their fertility in this cold dead world.

but alas, we have murdered and slain them
with spears and economics,
for their tears and arcane mavericks.

even in death did they love,
with the hope that perhaps one day,
the echoes of silence may not echo so silently.

bye bye metal eyebrow.

2007-12-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

at 11:30 pm on the 6th of December of the year 2007
i took out my eyebrow piercing.

this is pretty symbolic for me i guess..
so i decided to blog about it.

not that i think piercings make someone a rebel or anything and all that stuff..

but that little bit of metal was symbolic of one of the darkest times in my life to date.
a time when my life was down and in the dumps.
a time when i was walking far from the light,
and dancing with death and delusions.

i'm done with all of that now.
it's time to start living again.

hi guys.

a tribute to those who have hurt before.. and haven't stopped hurting since.

2007-11-17T02:23:00.000+08:00

this is a tribute to those of you out there, who have been hurt.
to those of you who haven't quite recovered yet.
but mostly to those of you who put on a brave front, but cry silently when the curtains close.

do you ever really recover after you break up with the "girl/guy of your dreams" ?

or do you just hurt silently, moping along until you find another "girl/guy of your dreams" ?

are you ever the same person again, after that first time you experience your heart being ripped to shreds ?

i watch my friends, classmates, schoolmates, peers.
and i notice how seamlessly they seem to be able to pick themselves up, and get on with life.

maybe it isn't as seamless as it seems,
maybe a bit of them dies after every break up..
maybe we'll never love the same as we first did.

we always say love is blind.
but for us who have been there, who have seen and felt all to clearly the truest, purest meaning of love know that that isn't true.

infatuation is blind,
love is when you start seeing all the flaws
and all you want is for him/her to be a better person.

don't stop feeling.
ever.
because that moment when you stop feeling hurt when you should..
it means you've finally murdered your heart..

God, teach me to love again.
don't ever let me stop feeling.

do you still feel ?

2007-10-29T13:11:00.000+08:00

Why is this feeling so familiar ?

This feeling of waiting for nothing.

What is it that compels one to commit the same mistakes over and over again ?
Human nature completely goes against the saying of "once bitten, twice shy ?"

many people who survive sports accidents,
get right back at it once they've recovered.

people who have been hurt and scarred in love,
often jump right back into it.

it's as if the possibility of things going terribly wrong,
only heightens your desire to delve right into it.

I suppose humans aren't as smart we like to pretend we are..

At least this has proven that i can still feel...

That i can still feel a lot.

fame.

2007-10-24T01:16:00.000+08:00

fame.
popularity.
screaming fans.

what is it about fame?
that has the power to alter our character..
and leave people helplessly pondering at the pool of popularity.

none can deny that somewhere in us,
we all share that lust for fame,
to be recognized,
to be known.
so much so that many go the wrong way just to be infamous..

how do people like fergie go from singing songs like
Where Is The Love? to songs like
London Bridge, or My Humps?

how do people like Michael Jackson go from singing songs like
Heal The World or Man In The Mirror, to being convicted of molesting young kids.

what is it that turns people so drastically?

it really gets you thinking huh..

saturday morning rain is falling.

2007-10-20T23:09:00.000+08:00

i plucked up the courage and did a ride with team absolut this morning.
somewhere along monkey trail i remember thinking to myself "damn these guys go alot faster than AAA"
as with each time i ride with them, i was humbled by t@
but to add insult to injury,
God decided we needed a bath..
water pelt down fiercely and dislodged my left lens, leaving me half blind..
it was awesome.

cos the thing about long rides is that you don't just take a physical beating.
somewhere between the burning quadriceps,
in a void between the crisp clicking of gear changes and
the temporary lull before sprinting uphill..

your mind begins to dissect itself.
while your physical body is lapping up the relief from work and stress,

your mind is free to wander where it likes..
it is free to journey back in time,
to possibilities in the future,
or to just stand completely still and survey it's surroundings.
i started finding myself reminiscing about the years gone by,
the ups and the downs,
the fasts and the slows,
the hurt and the love..
the past and now.

no.. sometimes after these long rides,
you find that it's your mind that takes a worst thrashing than your legs.

We rode past bus stops crammed with people
trying to escape the downpour,
and each of them regarded us with looks of amazement as we rode past.

i'm certain we weren't a pretty sight,
soaked to the bone,
panting and heaving like a pack of overweight dogs..

but as we rode by, i could nearly hear their thoughts,
"bunch of no-brainers trying to get themselves killed!?"

many people have asked why we put ourselves through such torture week after week.
waking up in the wee hours of the morning,
riding till we can barely walk,
occasionally exhausted to the point of unconsciousness..

it's because it keeps us alive.
it keeps us feeling.
it keeps us from falling into the clutches of repetitive continuity.
when you're out there on the road,
miles and miles away from home,
and with the rain slamming itself against your face,

it feels like nothing in the world matters..
and you learn to feel grateful that you're simply alive.

damn do i love playing in the rain.

help.

2007-10-18T17:05:00.000+08:00

there are very few things in life that really push me over the edge.
that succeed in driving me to my breaking point,
to the point where screaming just doesn't help anymore.

maybe it's the build up of stress,
maybe it's the onset of a $21,000 exam,
maybe it's the lack of sleep,
maybe it's the immense pressure to perform,
maybe it's when your confidence level just isn't breaking light speed
and your parents don't seem like they believe you can do it.
maybe it's simply the lack of somewhere to take off my burdens and hurt..

But all i know is that when i get pushed over that edge,
when i just can't hold my nose above the water anymore
it takes me so long to get back to the surface.

I can feel the rhythmic thud as my blood pounds in my ears.
my hands are quivering in exertion.
my mind is screaming for rest.

It feels like my wake boarding accident all over again.
i'm screaming for help, but nobody hears.

Maybe this really just is the stress getting to me.

help.

i'm sorry i just really can't be bothered to make words rhyme right now.

temporal bliss.

2007-10-15T01:18:00.000+08:00

gravel and white lines blurred past below,
the wind violently tore and caught in every unlucky crease.

his legs begged for mercy,
screamed in agony.
but still he burned on.
the lust for speed was greater than the pain,
and adrenaline coursed through his veins as he danced with death.

all that could be heard was the calming whir of wheels,
softly serenaded by the morning chirps of waking fowl.

the sun broke free of the damp, sluggish clouds,
gently warming his numb hands.

it was a moment of rare inexplicable euphoria,
a feeling that could only be refined from pure passion.
he was in a place where worry and pain
fell away like droplets on a lily.

no, this was where nothing could harm him.

except maybe road rash.

sweetest dreams.

2007-09-28T23:25:00.000+08:00

sleep sweeps near softly,
sipping at the lake of dreams.
gliding, drifting gently.
roses and strawberries and creams.
i have dreamt dreams that could make the strongest brute cry,
swiftly surpassing the ghouls or nightmarish fingers that flail.
but sweeter, than the gentle whisper of lost lovers as evening draws nigh,
than any glee procured by cakes and ale.

in my dream, i looked upon the lost souls of mankind.
watching as they killed and slaughtered.
as children decayed in the dust, eating anything they could find.
who are these that fall like flies?
while the rest of humanity shake their heads, refusing to realise.

photoframes.

2007-09-14T00:37:00.000+08:00

two picture frames sit silently side by side.
moments of rare immutable joy, frozen in time, gaze curiously up at me.
both of them bringing back nauseating waves of timeless memories.

one beckons from ages past, of two young boys, barely 7.
best friends.
smitten together by boyish mischief and their thirst for adventure.
but it is more than just an old picture.
this old picture encapsulates childish innocence,
carelessness, purity..

all long gone.

oh how we used to dream of the day when we would be free of curfews,
free of naggy mothers (will we ever?).. how we longed to be free.

and then one day we were free. or so we thought..

in a hurry, we eagerly traded in our innocence, carelessness, purity

so that we could be adorned in garments of guilt,
to be knighted with the robes of worry,
to be crowned in sin..

a worthy trade indeed...

the other whispers from time unmemorable,
it seems a lifetime has passed since these photos were taken.

taken when life was a mystery, full of wonder and excitement,
daring me to unravel it's tapestry of colour.

now it seems i see through a veil of black and white,
and this little photo frame is the only thing left in colour.

such blazing colours..
that sometimes i find it necessary to hide it away,
before the ink smudges.

my dreams mock at me.

2007-08-17T23:07:00.000+08:00

my dreams mock at me.
when everything fades away each night,
they come to me.
ever taunting,
ever haunting.
in a place where my conscious mind holds no seat,
they show me everything i want to see,
the whispers of the things i long to hear,
brushing me with the feelings i ache to feel.

my dreams mock at me with a vengeance,
for tainting the purity of love.

it's the times when ...

2007-08-13T15:55:00.000+08:00

it's the middle of the night.
i just spent the last 3 hours studying physics for a test i thought was tomorrow.
only to discover that it's been postponed till thursday.
sure you'd think "why're you complaining, now you can go to sleep and have more time to study for it.."
WRONG. now i have an econs drq and an econs commentary to do because i thought the physics was more important.
i know i said i don't use my blog to complain. but excuse me this once..

but in this little eye of the storm between me pacing around the room muttering to myself,
i've realised that it's the times like this, that make you.
that really make you who you are..

it's these times when you could turn off the light and go to sleep,
but you choose to stay up and finish your homework, that make a good student.

it's the times when you could avoid trouble by walking away,
but you step in to protect the weak, that make a friend.

it's the times when all you want to do is scream and take it out on everyone around you,
but you scream and cry your eyes out when nobody's around to get hurt, that make you a pillar of support.

it's the times when you could shut off the light and roll over to sleep,
but you stay up all night to console a torn heart, that make a lover.

it's the times when you want to turn and run as fast as you can,
but you stop and help, that make a hero.

it's the times when all common sense and the world screams at you to do something wrong,
but you choose to do right, that make a man.

the mystery of the lost manhood.

2007-08-04T01:06:00.000+08:00

ask any girl, well teenage girl i guess, what the first thing that comes to their mind is when you say the word "guys".

-dengdengdeng-

you'll probably get a lot of replies like
"jerks", "brainless", "inconsiderate", "incorrigible" .. and a whole array of imaginatively painful ways to dis the male gender.
and you know what's sad ? a lot of time these insults just bounce off our chest, we laugh them off and grin stupidly.
you know what's even worse ?
it's true.

to be completely honest, there are a lot of times that i'm embarrassed to be a guy.
don't get me wrong please. it's not that i'm looking for a sex change.
but honestly guys, let's face it, we're pretty discpicable creatures.
and we tend to do some pretty brainless things too.

BUT WHYYY !!?!?!?!

i've just begun reading this book called God's Gift To Women by Eric Ludy.
i'm about halfway through but it's really a very good book.
and if by some stroke of luck one of you out there reading this knows a friend of a friend of a relative of a friend who knows eric ludy it'll be fantastic if you could help me thank him. thanks. anyway in this book he talks about exactly this, "discovering the lost greatness of masculinity"
he talks of world changing men, history makers, men that stand up for the weak, men that shroud themselves in purity and fight for the truth.

even as you're reading this, it probably sounds far-fetched right ? you're probably thinking "ho ho this fella has seen one too many disney movies" and that goes to show exactly how far we've strayed away from our blueprints. that we find even the idea of it incredulous..

i don't think we were created to turn out like this..
enslaved into a life of faux identity.
it's a chameleon's life that's what i call it..
changing lifestyles and character traits instantly to blend with the surroundings.
after a while it's hard for even ourselves to know who really are.

really great great men have fast become a rarity.
sometimes it may take an entirely lifetime for us to ever encounter a true example of a, as Eric calls it, warrior poet.

remember the days of William Wallace? people who stood up to fight for freedom. a single man who refused to be ignored, not because he was fat and obnoxious, but because he believed so strongly in something that he would willingly give his life for what he believed in. now when was the last time we didn't give a damn how we looked like on the outside in order to defend something greater on the inside.. allowing ourselves to look less "cool" to save our soul ? it sounds stupid, but most of the time we'd choose to forgo anything rather than to risk appearing uncool.
anyway if you don't know what i'm talking about, go watch brave heart..
i've seen it reduce guys to tears. (yeah, horror of horrors, contrary to popular belief, there are still some guys left who have the ability to cry)

ok i know i'm rambling so i apologize for that. but it's just something that's been heavily impressed upon me this last week.
it's awakened something within me that desires, no, commands me to step out of the throng, and transform myself into something more. i don't know what it is yet.. but there's definitely something MUCH more.

drinking.

2007-07-29T03:59:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how a bit of alcohol can reduce the most respectable people to blabbering idiots.
and then it's even more amazing how after they've puked and felt like shit and ended up lying on the roadside,
they do it again. not that i'm being all high and mighty and looking down on such people. cos i'm not exempt from this kind of behaviour.
and some of my closest friends are as such.
but it doesnt stop me from questioning it anyway.

and i figured it's because everyone needs some way to keep their sanity intact.
as cliche as that is..
drinking to keep your sanity. haha. not funny.

what is it about the dark side of the walkway that appeals and calls out to all of us.
what is it about the dark side of the walkway that can tempt people to throw their lives down the drink. literally.

i really don't know, but i know i'm not exempt from it, and i know it's not going to stop anytime soon.
if ever.

but for those of you who've managed to stay and walk the straight and narrow path.
i take my hat off to you. it's not easy. and i would know..
and i dont' really know what i'm typing at the moment so i'm sorry if i disappointed any of you.
i'm not thinking very straight.

but i know that there's nothing as fulfilling as walking on the straight and narrow path.
it's hard as hell, but there's no drink, or drug or ANYTHING in the world that can equal the feeling of knowing that you're resisting a whole truck load of temptation that's just waiting eagerly to swallow you up.

i'm gonna get my life back on track. i need to.

there's really nothing in this world that gives you the same feeling as knowing that you're walking in the light.
if you haven't yet. don't give it up.
if you have, then this post is for you.

a moment in time. just a moment.

2007-07-11T16:51:00.000+08:00

i sit on my window sill every night.
peering at the stars peering down at me from their lofty places
watching at an occasional glint of sliver taking flight
filled with people of different races..

different people from different places
leaving on a little plane away from this little speck i call home.
and i think of all the different reasons that they're on that plane
holidays, business, people flying home to for the funerals of loved ones perhaps.

so many different lives encased in a flying metal box with no way out.
and yet so oblivious to each others pain and tribulations.
so oblivious and uncaring about the lives that sleep and murmur about them.

and then i think of how everyday we are surrounded by people who come from such diverse backgrounds,
all at different stages of life all going through various amounts of hurt and suffering.
i think of how we're all encased on this world with no way out,
and yet we're so oblivious and uncaring to the lives that surround us everyday.

it's a strange feeling when i think about how small and insignificant i am when compared to the massive amounts of people on this earth..
and then i think of how much i whine and complain about my tribulations.
and i'm immediately silenced when i think of how small and insignificant my problems are when compared to the hurt that churns and froths in the rest of the world.

what would it be like if i could just hit a pause button for a second.
to just quell the world from the incessant rush to get somewhere else,
to feel the world pause for just a second,
a moment when the whole world is silent,
arguments hanging in mid sentence,
bullets hanging in mid air,
even death will stop for that golden moment.

what would it be like to feel the entire world at perfect peace for just a moment.

world peace? haha. far more than just a model answer..
but that's probably all it'll ever be.. a model answer.

i think i should probably get off my window sill now before i start thinking i can fly.

the innocence of a child.

2007-07-03T17:49:00.000+08:00

haven't you always looked forward to your birthday?
i know i have.. counting down the weeks, days and hours before that fateful day.

somehow i've always been so eager to grow up.
i remember how as a child i used to be so excited when my shoe size got bigger,
because it meant that i was getting older. comparing my shoe size to my elder brother's to see how many more inches i had to go. (occasionally wearing shoes that were too big for me)
and nothing much changes as we grow older. i'm looking forward to the day i can drive, a sense of independence, not needing to listen to mummy or daddy anymore..

and now as i'm sitting here in my room thinking, the truth is that i actually am much older.
constantly with something serious at hand, deadlines for homework, parties to attend, political battles to avoid, lunch appointments to keep etc..

but then i look at the children playing on the street outside my window, and i remember how it all used to be.. how the most serious thing i could question was why dad always made me nap in the afternoons after lunch !
i remember how i played with shadows on the wall with the torchlight i'd take out from under my bed after i was "asleep".
how i used to sneak out of my bed at night to sleep in my parents room or how i used to hate taking showers cos they only served to waste precious time that could be spent fortifying my lego castle. i remember going through the phase when i felt embarrassed that there was lion king on my bookshelf when my friends came over, and so i filled my bookshelf with these complex sounding books that i really had no clue was about.

now i'm sitting here, and marveling at the loss of childhood innocence, and the wonder of how happy and contented i used to be with everything, with life in general.

without the need to care much for 1500 word history essays due the next day, whether my hair was sitting just right or other vapid stuff like that.

has it been that in my rush to grow up, that i neglected, and threw away precious childhood experiences like an old toy. now i wish i hadn't been so eager to grow up so fast.

oh the innocence of a child.

strange writings.

2007-05-22T21:07:00.000+08:00

i feel compelled to write today,
though i must confide in you that i have no inspiration to write today.
it is strange how i can feel compelled, yet have no inspiration.
i guess if i think about it, it's not so strange anymore.
we are compelled to do a lot of things, and yet feel no inspiration.

i will continue to share my inner most feelings with billions upon billions of
strangers whom i don't and will probably never know. ( i like to assume that there are billions upon billions of people who read my page )

there's something you should know.
every time i blog, it isn't for me to ramble about my troubles.
every time i open this page, it is another attempt for me to share my thoughts with the world,
and if at the end of these 5-10 minutes, you're left thinking a little more into your life, then i have accomplished far more than i have for the rest of these 23 hours and 45 minutes today.

im sure most of you would have heard about the death of thaddeus. it's always this kind of news that always hits me the hardest. i always think of death as something i'll worry about in say 60 years time. definitely not now anyway. but thaddeus is my age. was. and now he's gone. and though i didn't know him, it's really hard for me to grasp. it could easily have been me. and from what little i know of him, he and i live very similar lifestyles, the triathlon that he was training for is the very same one that i am training for right now. and we're both in J1 and all, but okay that's not the point here.

because and then i realised that thaddeus could have very well lived a much fuller life in 17 years, than many people do in 80. just how many people can lie on their death bed, look back on their whole life and smile, a wholly contented smile? how many people actually live a life that isn't wasted chasing and chasing, and simply chasing and never catching. we watch a whole lot of shows where everyone is in a trance-like obsession to find the holy grail, which supposedly promises eternal life to the drinker of the grail. now everytime i read these books, or watch these movies i always wonder: now who on earth would want to live forever!? to have a longer time to chase? i know i certainly don't.

i always thought it was funny how kids and teenagers longed to be older, and adults longed to just be younger. in short, everyone sort of wants to be what they're not. when was the last time i felt completely satisfied with exactly where i was? i'm not sure. we're constantly looking forward to our next goal, chasing these results, girls/guys, positions, better-paying jobs, popularity.. chasing things that aren't ever going to satisfy us in the long run. from the second we're born, we get hurled head first (literally) into the rat race, which is our life, all the way until we land smack on our ass and find that at the end of the race, we're still a rat. yay let's all give ourselves a firm pat on our back.

just what are we doing? seriously.

apathy.

2007-04-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

so has life really suddenly lost all meaning ?
or have we as mere human beings lost our own meaning to live.
i look around, and all i see is people falling deeper into apathy.

ap·a·thy [ap-uh-thee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun, plural -thies.
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
3. Also, ap·a·thei·a, ap·a·thi·a [ap-uh-thee-uh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation. Stoicism. freedom from emotion of any kind.

lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.. sound familiar ?
i like no.3 "freedom from emotion of any kind" as if emotion were a sort of plague or disease.
how do we, we being the large majority of my 16/17 year old friends, adolescents (for boys as mr lenn would correct me), suddenly lose all will to live on ?

the same people who used to be bubbling with life, eager to explore life's mysteries, greedy for reckless adventure, suddenly deteriorate into this current state.

when suddenly life loses it's mystery and wonder. the games we used to find so enthralling suddenly bore us, seem childish and a waste of time. a waste of our valuable time! a time that could be used to .. hmm. i'll have to get back to you on that one...

when the harmless fun and thrill we used to derive from flirting and the mysteries of relationships (that nobody has yet unraveled) turns to pain hurt and bad memories..

when school or work just seems to consume you, head, feet, heart and soul. when one day seems to weld itself to the following day and it gets hard to figure out whether it's night or morning, monday or thursday.

when everyday day is just another day to count down to the weekend, or the holidays. and when the weekend and holidays finally DO come, they never last long enough. and suddenly it's over, and we're left trying to remember how we'd spent the long awaited holidays, just to wake up to find ourselves sitting in the middle of an econs test. yum.

there's no way that we're going to survive like this much longer.. no.

i reckon we'll all find our own little ways to combat life's meaninglessness.

some will probably take up some extreme sport, others will migrate, only to find that it's the same anywhere in the world, others will end up behind bars in their pursuit of meaning, others will get married (heh)...
and hopefully some will find God i suppose.

moving on ..

2007-04-03T21:18:00.000+08:00

"And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"

we've just gotta move along i guess, or we stagnate and breed mosquitoes and shit.
even when all your hope is gone ? you've still gotta move along.
there aint no such thing as sitting around and watching the world go by.

all of life is a constant fluid movement
always changing, direction or speed.
sometimes it slows down, coming nearly to a stop,
only to whip us away again into the never ending abyss of colours.
no, there's no stopping this movement.
like the smell of flowers, diffuse and pervades our senses,
bringing back memories of old,
it keeps moving, keeps drifting ..
until there is nothing left at all,
the scent fades with the sunset,
though the memories linger on in haunting whisper.

2007-03-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

this just brings pain to a new level.

i dont know if you even feel any of this.

the look in your eyes.

2007-03-20T20:41:00.000+08:00

i can't look into your eyes anymore.
it's not that i don't want to look at you anymore.
it's just that every time i look back into your eyes
memories breach the flood gates
and tears threaten to make a scene.

i think of all the times when i would gaze into those eyes
during a time when the distance between us was not so vast.
i think of how i'd sneak around at night just to call you
and how you'd fall asleep in mid sentence.

i think of all the pain i caused you
all the lies i told you
and how you always deserved so much more than me
but how you always thought i deserved better. nonsense.

every now and then i return to our hill
where we used to sit and talk for hours on end
till the sun had set and the dogs had all gone home
and my mum began calling to find out where i was

every 14th i still think of all the things we used to do
how on one cold morning we sat on the curb with coffee and ants
or the concise timing between the maid and the tuition teacher.
i wonder if you still remember what i remember ..

yeah all that does go through my head in that one split second that our gaze meets.
it sears like a hot coal on cold flesh.
it jolts the memory bank like a branding iron.

i dont know what happened.
it's as if i got hit by a huge wave,
and now im just floating in the aftermath in a complete daze
waiting for someone to come and save me.

i miss you.

a hell lot.

and that's why i can't look into your eyes anymore.

14th march.

2007-03-14T00:49:00.000+08:00

happy 14th of march.
happy birthday.

once upon a time it was happy hipo day.

how did i lose that.
how did it end.
how did i lose everything.

A Dream within a Dream

2007-03-11T01:31:00.000+08:00

A Dream within a Dream

Take this kiss upon thy brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, to deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

march holidays 2007

2007-03-10T00:55:00.001+08:00

FINALLY. the damn march holidays are here.
i've been so excited during the last 3 days in anticipation of the march holidays.
if you've been reading my scarce blog entries, you'll know that im pretty, well. everything's just really messed up.

it's been a really weird first 3 months of 2007.
like really. really weird.
i dont even have one word to describe it.
you know how i tend to summarise certain periods of time using a single descriptive word.

well.. i can't.
there's : interesting, painful, different .. ok so maybe there aren't so many words, but i can't really think now.
it's been an emotional roller coaster. not to say that i've gotten off this roller coaster yet..
but yes, 2007 has started on a bit of a sharp note. it's a bit out of tune. the frequency just isn't right..

anyway. enough puns. i'm tired. and so i'm gonna go enjoy my first sleep of the march hols. i can wake up and go running tomorrow morning. whoopeee.

goodnight !

2007-03-05T23:32:00.000+08:00

i must have amazing foresight.
how apt that my blog's name is who am i.

what a day by the sea side

2007-03-02T21:20:00.000+08:00

whoa. what a day by the seaside indeed.
today would be one of the top few in my eventful days of my life.. haha that's never good.
let me recount the entire story here..
it started like this, last night, nat asked me to go wakeboarding in the morning..
so at first i was like.. ugh oh man. i cant. i've got school ! but then.. i remembered that it was friday today.
school on fridays are really quite a waste of time, i have 6 out of 8 periods free !!
so i think to myself ... hMM! i can go for the two classes, then leave !
already illegal... but not so bad.
so anyway i wake up with a bounce this morning, then i went to school, spent the first two periods finishing up econs homework while the rest played cards.
and then oh-my-goodness i realide that my two periods of class end too late to go wakeboarding ! so the bad boy in me goes: aiyah ! nevermind la.. dont shake your head at me !! im sure you know what it's like..
here's where it starts .. so it just so happens that a few teachers had gone out for a while to do dunno what.. and i walked straight into them on the way out. not good. i turned on my heel and walked in the other direction.
the worst part ? my history teacher was among them. i was skipping history. not good.
then i just ran off and cabbed to nat's place, picked her and her sister up, then went to east coast park..
half way to east coast, i get a message saying, "ronsmith saw you leaving school. you're dead meat." oh mamamia. definitely not good..
so anyway.. i went to wakeboard.
wakeboarding was fun of course .. first time cable skiing !
so anyway.. me being me. tried to do some trick.,
me being me didnt do the trick properly..
me being me.. accident prone man that i am, got flung face forward, flew a bit(i think) got planted in the water face first, and my legs snapped forward and the board smacked me right in the back of my head (a little to the right)
and cos i was face forward and the board still on my feet, i was lying face down in the water.. managed to struggle right way up, kicked the board off. and felt my head.

i looked at my hand praying there wouldnt be blood. but there was blood running down my arm already. whoa mama.
so i shouted HELPP !! nothing .. i peered towards the control station. nothing..
HELP ! finally i see some movement. a jet ski flew over, and some dude ran over as i tried to clamber out of the lake, one hand still on my head, blood still flowing down my arm.
then i walked back to the control station, and some dude helped me wash it and put a nice bandage around my head. looked really sexy man.. he said it wasnt that bad. just a small cut, but cos it was on my head so there's a lot of blood.. so i was like okay. haha. then we (me, nat, mel and lester) cabbed to the nearest hospital, East Shore Hospital.
so yeah the doctors were all like. ok la it's not so bad. small cut only. go get an x ray. hmmm.
so i waited.. and waited.. and waited.. then got an xray !
then i waited.. and waited.. and waited. and me and nat just sat around for an hour talking. which was quite fun actually. haha. then finally went to get my stitches. and my sister left work and came down. thanks lea !
and then like nat was saying stuff like. i dont see why you need stitches ! it's so small ! haha. but she was really nice and comforting. she looked like she was suffering more than me. haha.
and then after it gets all stitched up. nat goes.. ok i lied. it's actually really quite bad. haha. everyone lied to me ! saying it was nothing much and all. haha but thanks everyone (: i felt so loved. haha if you want a more pictorial and less reading summary. go to http://www.xanga.com/nattaratatat haha.
thanks especially to nat and lea (:

and me ? dont worry (if you were) im fine. i always will be. haha

founders day !

2007-03-01T19:39:00.000+08:00

today i shall attempt to blog in french. so sorry if you dont understand. but it's fun. haha.
aujourd'hui est s'effond le jour.
joyeux anniversaire acs !
je devine que je vais passer douze ans de ma vie dans les acs
tout à fait frais je devine
ok ok i've had enough. i doubt that's even correct. haha..
anyways.. i just got home from town, went to watch rocky balboa with some people from my school. not a bad show actually.. sylvester stalone is bloody fit for a 60 year old.
i reckon he'd probably destroy me with his pinky..
school again tomorrow, going wakeboarding hopefully. whoohoo. i love wakeboarding. it's one of my escapes from the madness that is this world.
it's terrific.
the rush is just.. lovely. it shakes my long dead senses back to life.
to feel so free and liberated.. it's the one thing that's keeping me sane now.
too bad it leaves you more or less bed ridden and aching like a fool for the next few days. haha but it's well worth every bit of ache.
i love it.

so anyway ! happy birthday acs ! au revoir !

tired.

2007-02-27T22:35:00.000+08:00

bleah.. it's the 27th of february...
not even the 3rd month of school already..and i'm already dying
life's become so lifeless. a cycle, definitely not of life..
everyday, i wake up, rush to school, struggle through classes, struggle more
get home when the sky's getting dark, fall asleep before i can hit the shower
get woken up by the intercom ringing, stumble downstairs for dinner, still half asleep of course..
stumble back up to my room, slog through piles of reading material and essays.
fall asleep studying..wake up again, totally disoriented, carry on studying..
sleep WAY too late.. then we're back to waking up and rushing again..
it's terrific.
i really dont know how long im gonna be able to last like this..it's not even funny anymore.
this kind of lifestyle is just sucking whatever little life there is left out of me
im so tired !!

i shouldn't even be blogging.
i dont know what im doing.. i'd better go..

seeyou guys.. hope you guys are having more fun than me !!

the painful newness of it all.

2007-02-14T17:17:00.000+08:00

newness.
freshness.
purity.
cleanliness.
a fresh start.

aren't those supposed to be positive words?

your new clothes.
new shoes.
new school.
new phone.
new friends.
new classmates.
new teachers.

im just part of the old.
old things get thrown out.

in loving memory of St. Valentine. happy valentines day.

why

2007-01-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

why do all good things come to an end?
fire to dust.
lovers to friends.
why do all good things come to an end?

rambles.

2007-01-18T22:54:00.000+08:00

i dunno why in the world im doing this so you cant see it.
i guess it's a bit like how i feel right now.
like i want so badly to tell someone everything
but yet at the same time i dont.
it's seriously screwed up.

i've never felt so damn alone in my entire life.
i've sat on mountain tops by myself and watched sunsets
i've sat on beaches by myself watching sunrises
i've lied alone in the cold watching the most beautiful stars stare back at me.

but this loneliness that i feel now is.
way beyond all that.
and the saddest part is that i know i brought it upon myself.
that i was the only bugger who screwed the whole thing up.
everything.
sigh.. if you're actually reading this.
i hope you're doing a hell lot better than i am.

im done.

2007-01-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

A stony silence closed in on the house,
punctuated by the stentorian breathing,
which appeared to me the creaking of hinges of a prison gate,
opening at the command of a soul going into freedom.

i wish.

.

2007-01-17T23:39:00.000+08:00

there are no more surprises and shocks in life,
so that i watch the flame without agitation.
For me the greatest reality is this and nothing else...
Nothing else will worry or interest me in life hereafter.

2007

2007-01-17T21:26:00.000+08:00

first post of 2007. i cant be bothered to change my font size or colour or font type or alignment.or press enter, or do paragraphing.so read on only if you really want.hello everyone! for some strange reason my tagboard came back to life and so i decided maybe it was a sign to start sharing bits of my thoughts on the wildwildweb again..so anyway.this is the first post of the year 2007. (pause)

well i entered 2007 filled with so much controversy. so much pain and hurt and anger and frustration and feeling very lost. i spent christmas with my mum shouting at me over the phone. i spent the transistion to the new year in doubt and fear.. (pregnant pause)

three and half weeks later? hmm. nothing's changed. it's probably gotten worse if anything.
oh well! too all of you. or to nobody.. depending on whether or not anybody's actually reading this.. dont worry. im not gonna go kill myself or anything. although im sure some people would be quite glad if i did! sorry guys. i dont think i will just yet.

haha. i'd love to see the looks on your faces at this moment.
anyway. have a great year friends. miss you guys.. ok not all of you guys..

ramblings part v

2006-10-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

i live in a week which consists of one long day..
i live in a month which consists of one long week..
monday morphs painfully into tuesday..
then into wednesday and so forth.
everyday feels the same.
everyday feels no different.
and everyday the pain just deepens.
and though the sky gets blacker
and it gets more tiresome to breathe
and fresh air is a distant memory.
i feel none of it.
nothing.
zilch.

it's hard to express how you feel
especially when you keep trying to surpress your feelings

it's hard to cry
especially when you're too tired to tear

it's hard to sleep
especially when your mind won't stop running in circles

it's hard to make your words rhyme
especially when you dont know what to say.

2006-08-10T19:23:00.000+08:00

we men may say more, swear more, but indeed
Our shows are more than will; for still we prove
Much in our vows, but little in our love.

the time has come again.

2006-06-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

hmmm. this place looks vaguley familiar.
haha.. sorry that i have neglected this site for eternity.
anyway.
we're almost at the last week of school hols.
and then the season of mad rushing and the sweeping of pens fast running dry will be heard everywhere.
yes. its the exams again. and not just any ol' exams. its the o levels.
and lately ive been getting very anxious of where i should go after we finish the o levels.
and no i haven't come to an answer or a conclusion to my wavepool of thoughts.

well i just got back from bintan. for three days only no doubt but it was a pretty nice get away.
im aching like a prune. im sure prunes ache. they look so ache-y.
wish i got some pictures. but oh well. it was fun.

so to all you sec fourians out there. all the best for yuor studying which im sure all of you must have somewhat started.. right? yes so all the best. and that when you decide where to go after we're done with secondary school, it will be based on your own thoughts and wishes and what you think God would have you do. and not based on wanting to be cool or on the fear of what others would think and perceive you as if you went somewhere.
and dont cry too much when i kick your ass. haha!

happy studying.

2006-01-18T22:22:00.000+08:00

i haven't written here for a while..

well.its been a pretty happening first few weeks of school.

already ive had some incredible days

and some really crappy ones.

all in all a highly fufilling and tiring first 2 and a half weeks of sec 4.

i feel confused and lost.

i feel like i've been left behind in 2005 and the world just moved on without me

hmms.

oh well!

and im sick too.bleh.

getting caught in the rain too much.

i dont know what else to write here.

i feel weird.

so long!

2005-12-28T22:31:00.000+08:00

what can i say to tell you how i feel?

food for thought.

2005-09-22T22:11:00.000+08:00

It was finally here- Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months.

The small and picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.

Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of stringed quartet filled the air.

Anna walked down the aisle toward David.

Joy surged within her.

This was the moment for which she had waited so long.

He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.

But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened.

A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand.

Another girl approached and stood next the first, followed by another.

Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

Anna felt her lip beginning to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.

"i'm...i'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.

"who are these girls, David? Whats going on?" she gasped.

"they're girls from my past," he answered sadly.

"Anna they don't mean anything to me now...but i've given a part of my heart to each of them."

"i thought your heart was mine," she said.

"it is, it is," he pleaded. "everything that's left is yours."

communication.

2005-08-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

communication is key

everyday, millions of words are exchanged between people

sometimes though words are identical,

can convey diverse meanings.

the same words used sincerely can uplift and empower someone

while if they are used sarcastically can snuff out the last glimpse of hope in someone.

communication is key.

words are likely to be the most powerful weapon in the world

and everyone, or almost everyone, has access to this weapon.

words can start a war.

or extinguish burning hatred.

communication is key.

couples without communication always crumble.

while enemies with communication can become friends.

communication is key.

words hurt.

words give life.

communication is key.

ramblings part IV

2005-08-16T21:53:00.000+08:00

as the day goes on he feels like a hamster in a cage.

but not just any cage

this is a different cage.

it has no beginning and no end.

and you can't see where you going.

you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

and it goes in circles.

but he just doesn't know it.

so day after day he runs and runs.

eager to get out

but never seeing the exit.

or ignoring rather.

but anyway who cares about the exit.

he runs and runs frantic to get out.

or so he thinks.

he thinks.

but does he really think?

what IS thinking??

but who cares anyway.

so he runs and runnnns!

and SUDDENLY.

he's out!

out of that wretched tunnel.

but he's still in the cage..

family.

2005-08-12T00:51:00.000+08:00

I know I haven't been an easy child,
But love for you lies underneath my whims.
There is no way I could be tame or mild:
I need sometimes to shout and wave my limbs.
You're the wall I need to test my height,
The countervailing force to test my strength,
The chain I hammer at with all my might,
Even though you have increased its length.
To raise me, to just hit or miss.
To have to take turns at playing good cop and bad,
And give me grief before my goodnight kiss.
But love against the odds is stronger still.

most of the time.

lost.

2005-07-29T12:49:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling so lost nowadays

i really don't know whats happening lately.

i feel like im seeing the world through someone elses eyes

drifting through each mundane day as though it was yeterday.

watching a movie.

i don't know how to read people anymore.

i don't know how to react anymore.

i only know the difference between good and bad.

and then again my good and bad doesn't seem to tally with the rest of the world.

why does the world seem so angry when i try to do good.

why do i feel like i'm losing sense of everything.

i just don't know anymore sometimes.

sometimes i suspect im living in a 'truman show'

where my whole life is a big movie watched on tv in the "real world"

where everyone around me are highly trained actors.

and the "whole world" as i know it is in on it.

and the only one oblivious to everything.

is me.

im ranting i know.

but then again.

am i?

what if one day i found out that everyone i thought i knew.

were just actors.

and were being paid huge salaries to pretend to be my friend.

to be my parents.

to be my siblings.

and everything that goes on around me is all written out on a script somewhere.

backstage.

i don't know whats happening anymore.

nothing to say.

2005-07-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

i feel like blogging but i really don't know what to say.

im just quite annoyed and irratable and pissed off at the moment.

i think its collective.

perfection?

2005-07-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe.

It has symmetry, elegance, and grace-those qualities you find always in that which the artist captures.

You can find it in the turning of the seasons,

in the way sand trails along a ridge,

in the branch clusters of the creosote bush or the pattern of its leaves.

We try to copy these patterns in our lives and our society,

seeking the rythms, the dances, the forms that comfort.

Yet, it is possible to see peril in the finding of ultimate perfection.

It is clear that the ultimate pattern contains its own fixity.

In such perfection, all things move toward

Death.

the weather.

2005-07-06T07:31:00.000+08:00

i feel like there's this dark cloud hanging over my head.

i'm still waiting for the lightning to strike.

im okay..for now.

dead

2005-06-29T14:01:00.000+08:00

A lot of people enjoy being dead.

But they're not dead, really.

They're just... backing away from life.

-Maude: Harold & Maude

end of hols.

2005-06-26T19:40:00.000+08:00

and just like THAT

it's gone

poof

holidays?

whats that?

didn't it only just start?

hmmm. guess time flies when you're having fun.

but i feel like a accomplished so little.

feels so

wasted.

experienced a little more pain.

a little more hurt.

a little more laughter.

a little more love.

a little less sleep.

lost a few friends

gained a few friends

lost a few enemies.

probably made a few more enemies.

got caught by the police

pissed off the police

etc.

but it was alright i guess.

love till it hurts.

it's painful

but it feels good.

i don't want to go to schooool!

2005-06-02T10:52:00.000+08:00

it's not that hard to understand why so many people can't start their day without a cup of hot tea.

(:

2005-05-29T22:27:00.000+08:00

good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.

don't you think.

ouch.

2005-05-26T21:47:00.001+08:00

i was so worried about being an arthur.

i might just have been a lancelot.